Litenuf Logo
 

FREEDOM FROM SEXUAL ADDICTION

May 17, 2011Testimonials

My first LITENUF journey started not out of a need to lose weight but out of a need to get right with God. Since childhood I have struggled with sexual sin, not realising what I was dealing with back then these issues took root in my life. All along I knew what I was doing was wrong but lust’s thrill has a way of keeping you under its thumb willingly. I nurtured these dark desires in seemingly innocent ways like reading the sex advice in magazines, even playing Barbie’s was not just a game for me. I always kept it secret and in the dark and this was the ideal breeding ground for the devil to work, in the deep dark recesses of our lives where things are often left to fester and consume us from the inside out. He is a pro at what he does. As I grew up my behaviour around guys became more flirtatious and filled with sexual innuendoes but I eased my conscience by convincing myself it was just a joke and all in the name of fun. When this was no longer enough I developed an addiction to pornography and masturbation and afterwards I would be so grossed out by what I had seen and done. I would often think “How can a Christian girl, form a good home, surrounded by strong Christian friends be entangled in something so repulsive and defiling?” but I was. I sought help from various people but it didn’t help because it was always done in my own strength, always my own attempts to ‘cure’ myself and be strong enough to just say ‘No’. Being a perfectionist I became seriously despondent and frustrated with myself and I started to develop feelings of self-loathing that I couldn’t get it right and pull my socks up. This went on for years, feeling victorious when I thought I had kicked the habits and then feeling lower than dirt when I stumbled again. I constantly cried out to God to help me but things would always end up the same. I realise now that all my pleading with God was never for Him to rescue and redeem me but rather that I would have the strength to stop what I was doing, this approach was clearly not working for me.

It became easier to go further and further with guys with each encounter, I would try resist and then give in, feeling temporarily gratified but ultimately defeated. So when I started dating a guy who didn’t believe in God, things just went downhill fast and we were sleeping together in no time. Lust is like an unquenchable thirst and I was trying to satisfy it with salt water. Throughout our relationship I felt immense guilt in my spirit but my physical self was quite content. This conflict raged like a war inside of me and in my lows I even wished I had never known God because it would just be easier to plod on in blissful ignorance and feel no guilt. Scary thinking, I know. I am so grateful however that He never gave up on me and sought my heart relentlessly no matter what I wished. We broke up and I confessed my sins to someone I trusted and my parents. I started to seek God again but unfortunately my unappeased sexual appetite just lay dormant for a while. The void that had been created by the break up just got filled with old habits and I was back to square one. I was mortified that I could slip so easily back into these revolting behaviours. I didn’t tell anyone for a long time because it would just be another disappointment but I started to become way too comfortable with it and it was becoming more and more frequent and I was slipping deeper into the filth. I couldn’t stand myself anymore and knew I needed a serious Godly intervention because I clearly wasn’t getting it right.

I started the journey; honestly it was really hard at first from an eating point of view because I had never denied myself anything so radically before and from a spiritual point of view because I had ignored God for so long that I wasn’t even sure I could hear Him anymore. A couple of days in though I started to hear Him and for the first time in my life I felt truly connected. I had grown up Christian, yes, but now it was like my spirit was awake. My relationship with my saviour had seriously upgraded! I felt that in the last week I should ‘march around my Jericho’, which represented the strongholds in my life, and I would have victory. I did that and by the last day I felt a great freedom, like things were going to be just fine. I felt about 2 weeks later to continue fasting and to do the journey again but more to deepen my relationship and to praise God for the rescue mission He had done and the new chapter He started in my life. Trust was something He really pin-pointed during this time, it came as quite a shock to realise how little I really trusted Him and how much I was relying on myself. Sadly my failure to grasp this with both hands really was setting me up for disaster as a couple months later I stepped into a poorly disguised pool of sinking sand called pride and self reliance. The result was me sleeping with a guy with no regard for the consequences and after ignoring many warnings from the Holy Spirit along the way too; I thought I would be able to say no and resist temptation on my own, clearly this was naive thinking. Afterward I felt so worthless and I was so ashamed about this disastrous blunder that I considered telling no-one but this time I swallowed my pride and spilled the beans. It was the first time I felt I had truly disappointed and hurt my family. I was sent to get an AIDS test which was the loneliest and scariest thing I have ever had to do. This rude awakening made me realise a couple of hard truths about my pride, my frailties as a human and things that affect me. I felt that there were things that I had ‘kept from Jericho’ like some of the Israelites had and so I did a serious clean out in my life. I went for counselling and deliverance to ensure that there were no left over critters lurking around. I’ve decided that I can’t watch anything with sexual content; I’ve removed myself from social networks and try to leave no room for misunderstandings with guys.  I can’t allow myself any slack without God’s nod. This is not to say I’m not still tempted all the time but I know now where my short comings are and can run to God when I see them coming. God has been faithful in cleaning me up and purifying me and I’m so grateful for His infinite grace with me.

This has been my third journey and I will always be a work in progress. Learning to forgive myself and to stop striving to gain God’s acceptance when He has given it to me freely are two of the hardest things for me to wrap my head around, but I know God will show me how. He is, after all, at the top of His game in the rescuing, loving, fixing and growing business.

On the ‘lighter’ side of life I’ve lost 6kg in total from the first time until now and never picked any of it up again. Though this wasn’t my focus I do feel more confident in myself and I’m now at my goal weight. Any girl is happy about that. LITENUF has been a platform for me to connect with God on a much deeper level and get to know Him more intimately but most importantly it’s been a platform for Him to work in me and change me from the inside out.

Comments are closed.

Write a Comment